The One Decision That Will Have the Greatest Impact on Your Life

If you get this wrong, your life might not ever recover

Now that I have a few years of experience under my belt, not only as a person but as a mental health professional, I can say without a doubt that there is one decision that you will make or not make in your life that will have the greatest impact on almost everything else after. This one decision will alter your life forever and if made poorly, you may not ever recover from it. I’m actually surprised that we don’t talk about this more. There are so many other things that we get baked into us about life, things that I will explore in more detail because I want to dispel the myths and expose the lies we are told and instead direct your attention onto the most important and impactful decision you can ever make and that is simply who you choose to be in a long-term and committed relationship with.

The school lie

Somehow, kids and teenagers are still being fed the lie that school is the most important thing in their life and that their grades in high school will ultimately choose the trajectory of the rest of their lives. So many of them, in fact, are fed this loaded diaper full of bullshit that young people are growing up believing that bad grades will have inalterable consequences on the rest of their lives and that they will never be able to recover from it.

I heard this nonsense when I was in the 8th grade. A school counselor told my entire class that our future prospective employers were going to take issue with the fact that we got C+ in 8th grade English, forcing us into a cycle of perpetual poverty throughout adulthood. We were assured that we might not ever recover from half-assed efforts in junior high academics. This croc of shit is akin to telling kids about the devil and hell so that you can scare them into good behavior.

“People who hate themselves make lousy partners”

And yet, here I am, now in my 40’s and apparently, the myth about grades is still being fed to kids, probably yes, so that we can scare them into compliance and conformity. Teenagers tell me all the time that if they don’t get good grades they won’t get into a good college and then they won’t be able to get a good job. Young people are still wasting their time and money going to college where they offer a plethora of degrees that won’t actually land you a high-paying job. Take it from me, I’ve been to college and most of what I learned was useless and has barely moved the needle in my ability to earn a living or get a good job. I am certain that there are still plenty of teens and young adults that are still buying into this as though school will be the one thing that will have the greatest impact on their life when in fact, it’s not even close.

Being in a bad relationship is far worse than being alone

Another lie that is almost as big as this one is that we get it baked into us to fear loneliness. People fear loneliness so badly that they make horrible relationship decisions. Relationships that have inalterable consequences and relationships that they might not ever recover from. We are terrified of being lonely when we should be terrified of marrying, having children with and divorcing the wrong person. You can come back from loneliness, in fact, you can bounce back quite nicely but you can’t come back from being in an abusive relationship, for example.

“The fear of loneliness makes it ten times worse”

The crippling fear of loneliness creates desperation. After all, God forbid people judge us for not settling down on their time frames. God forbid people might wonder why we’re not with somebody. Believe me, kids, marrying the wrong person is something that you should be far more afraid of. Try to keep in mind that when you’re afraid to be alone, it makes it ten times worse. When you no longer fear loneliness, honestly it’s not that bad, in fact sometimes being alone is really nice. There’s a lot of freedom that comes with it and in my humble opinion, only people who are extremely lost and miserable shy away from freedom.

The wrong relationship will rob you of your dreams, ambitions and freedoms as well as your love for life. The wrong relationship will force you to lose yourself and allow the unique parts of you to be chipped and chiseled off, bit by bit. Talented artists let their craft die. Beautiful singers close their lips. If the thing that you loved the most in life was your motorcycle, it’s time to park it and throw a tarp over it in the shed while it gets buried in junk or worse, Christmas decorations. You will give up the work path that you are passionate about and instead take a sensible job that you hate but you keep because it gives you stability and security. In short, your dreams will die if you are with the wrong person. And that’s the best-case scenario.

What if it’s worse than that? What if they drink too much and scream at you? What if they kick the kids down the stairs when they get too angry? What if they sexually abuse your children? What if they beat you up and undermine your ability to financially support yourself? What if you turn 35 and feel totally hopeless to ever leave the hell that you live in? These are all consequences that many people live with day in and day out. Believe me, you should be far more worried about marrying the wrong person than being alone. Far more.

Divorce court will ruin your life

Okay, so they don’t drink too much or beat you up and you’re able to get a divorce. Well, let me tell you from a lot of first-hand exposure. Family court is another level of hell. Attorneys are extremely expensive and they aren’t shy about escalating the situation. The longer your case goes, the more money they make. Believe me, they have no interest in keeping it civil and bringing your divorce to a short and happy ending. If there’s one thing that I hope you will believe me about it’s this: Family court will ruin your life. It will take you years and years, if not decades to financially recover from going to family court if you ever recover at all. They won’t be shy about putting you and your kids into the poor house. They frankly don’t care, they are there to make money.

“You might not ever financially recover from family court. Ever.”

If you marry the wrong person or get involved long-term with the wrong person, every area of your life, literally every single one, will suffer. Your life, your dreams and your sense of self will shatter and you can spend years, decades even, trying to piece it all back together. The moment you say “I do” to the wrong person, is the moment your chance of living your best life begins to perish. I know this might sound dire, exaggerated even, but I’m a therapist. I see this every day.

It’s easy to tell people to ‘watch out for red flags and for God’s sake, don’t ignore them’ but I think we’re way beyond that. These ugly, controlling, competitive and codependent relationships are so normal that most people don’t even know what a loving relationship really looks like. Frankly, we don’t know how to love anymore, paradise is lost. Sometimes I am confused why people stay in a relationship that doesn’t have any trust and then I remember that this has become our new relationship normal. Couples have trust issues because they have trust issues and that’s all. Trust issues in a relationship should exist when there has been betrayal but couples lack trust without a good reason!

You probably have some of your own work to do

The sad truth too is that you, the reader, might be that wrong person. You might not be relationship ready. Unable to trust? Unable to give the benefit of the doubt? Unable to curb your jealousy? Sorry cupcake, you’re not ready for an amazing partner even if they knocked on your door and found you on Instabook or Facegram or whatever the hell the kids are doing these days. The truth is you might have some work to do and that’s okay because we all do. We live in a hostile culture where many people see vulnerability as an opportunity which is honestly kind of sick and ugly. It’s gotten so bad, we’ve corroded into a state where we don’t even allow ourselves empathy or vulnerability with the one and only person in this tough life that we should trust.

The most important and underrated relationship skill

In order for relationships to succeed these days, it has to overcome some pretty significant odds. Couples have to choose into some pretty radical things like trust, honesty and empathy. But that’s just the beginning. They have to overcome tremendous social pressure to live up to certain expectations.

Couples need to establish their values and stick to them come hell or high water because believe me, everyone will want to contribute to which decisions you make as a couple. My favorite phrase to give people when they push their unsolicited advice is “thanks for the suggestion!” Try it, it’s magic. Put a nice, pleasant smile on your face, look them in the eyes with a soft gaze and say, “Thanks for the suggestion!”

The most underrated relationship skill is one that will bridge enormous gaps and help couples overcome tremendous problems is: personal responsibility. I don’t buy a single ounce of this “my wife is always right” business or “happy wife, happy life” loaded diaper full of horse shit. Show me a couple that operates on these conditions and I’ll show you a couple that broods on oceans of deep boiling resentment. Successful couples meet on equal ground. Plain and simple. There is no relationship where one person is 100% right and good and the other person is 100% crappy. It takes two.

You are 100% responsible for your experience in your relationship. If your partner hides things from you then you might be a “freaker outer” that freaks out over everything, big or small. If your communication sucks, it’s your job to make the effort to make it better. You can’t make your partner get on board with this system. Either they are the train or they aren’t and if they aren’t, it’s okay to just do your part and start thinking about moving on.

If you want to find an amazing partner and an amazing relationship, start by making a list of what you want in your relationship. Come at it from this angle. What causes people to be madly in love with each other. Do you know? Can you answer that question? If you’re not sure then you have some work to do and again, that’s okay, we all do. We are all fools and we cannot graduate beyond foolishness if we don’t own up to it first and allow ourselves to grow and change even if that process is sometimes painful and difficult.

I will leave you with this. People that hate themselves often make lousy partners. For a number of reasons that I don’t have time to get into right now but you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself honestly if you like yourself. Most people know, right off the bat, what lies behind this question. Strive to be a better version of yourself and seek someone that wants the same and build from there.

Happy journeys friends.