Stop Helping, You’re Doing it Wrong
I don’t give money to panhandlers. In fact, I believe that it’s wrong and unethical to do so. The nature of my work and involvement in the community has given me a front-row seat to social problems. I know, first hand, how underfunded our local charities are. There are people and programs that provide shelter, medical care, food, clothing and rehabilitation efforts. The goal is to get people back onto their feet. Create stability and safety in their lives so that they don’t die on the streets due to exposure or drug overdoses. Give your dollar to those charities. But people won’t.
I got into one of these discussions with someone fairly recently. He gives money to panhandlers. When I explained to him that not only are local charities in dire need of his dollar but that he’s also enabling somebody to remain chronically sick and addicted, his response astounded me but it also confirmed what I already believe about people like him. “Well, when I give them a dollar, I feel good.” Ah, so it’s not about really helping them or giving them the help that they really need, it’s about you feeling good.
Why do we help?
As best as I can tell, there are two types of help or guess I should say that there are two types of motivation for helping.
Reason number one, altruism: We are generally concerned about the wellbeing and greater good of not only the individual but the greater good of the world around us. We don’t want more homeless people, we want less and that requires investing in the right programs and the right people. We’d rather teach a man a fish than give him one.
Reason number two: (What is the opposite of altruism?) We help people because we want recognition, praise, attention and to feel good about ourselves. This type of help is selfish and often does more harm than good. Believe me when I say that helping organizations have to spend much of their efforts cleaning up the messes of seemingly well-meaning people that help for one reason and one reason only. They want to feel better about themselves and in so doing make big giant messes in the process. We spend much of our precious time, efforts and resources putting out fires set by these people. This type of help is giving a man a fish, knowing damn well he’s just going to be starving again tomorrow.
Fix Yourself First
I agree, 100%, with Jordan Peterson when he says to go clean your room. He means it literally and he means it metaphorically and I’m going to put my little spin on it here. Put out your own fires before you go out, crusading around, trying to put out other people’s fires. If you don’t put out your fire, it spreads. If your home is a raging inferno and you do nothing about it, it’s going to set everything around it on fire.
Furthermore, (I’m going to run with this metaphor), if you had taken the time to put out your own fire you might realize that you suck at putting out fires and when you run out and play firefighter, you get in the way, at best and at worst make the situation drastically more unmanageable. In short. Stop helping! Help yourself!
I get it. Facing your inner demons is painful and hard. I don’t love it either. But you know what’s even worse? An advanced adult case of denial that results in your world crashing down around and the inability to do anything about it. Being a type 2 helper is a way of running. It’s even a type of self-medication. You keep people sick and chronically addicted when you hand them dollars but when you think about it and I mean really think about it, doesn’t that mean that you are using someone else as a way to self-medicate?
Baby Steps
Personal growth is hard and it can really sting. But you’re tougher than you think you are and the rewards are quite profound. Take baby steps.
Subscribe to an inspirational podcast or YouTube channel.
Read a good book.
Collect inspirational quotes.
Start associating with happier people.
Move away from negative people.
Start with some of those and let the bridge complete itself as you walk across. Trust the process, some of us would say when we’re feeling a bit more spiritual. Start with something small so that you solve the problem of being inert and motionless.
If you’re trying to help and trying to be helpful to others, there’s a good chance you’re not. There’s even a good chance that you’re making things worse. Instead of trying to put out the fires yourself, support your local firefighters. This is purely metaphorical so I hope that you catch my drift.
