Seriously, How Are You Still Not Using a Bidet?!

The other day I was listening to an interview that reminded me of the toilet paper crisis that came along with the COVID crisis which, fortunately, didn’t really affect me. I had one less thing to worry about because I already had a bidet. Problem solved. What toilet paper shortage?!

That situation shouldn’t have even happened in the first place. When everybody was just buying poo poo paper as they needed it, there was more than enough to go around. Buy what you need when you need it and we’re all good to go right? Unfortunately, that just makes sense and as we all know, if it makes sense we can go ahead and scrap it.

Also, unfortunately, we’re not out of the woods yet. Have you seen gas prices? Have you seen the supply line issues? Have you heard Joe Biden mention in the middle of all of his other garbled mumblings to expect a food shortage? I have no idea what that means but I know that it could likely lead to more TP hoarding. But again, I’m not sweating it, as long as the water stays on, I’m good to go man. I’m not even slightly worried about it. Go ahead, buy up all the TP, I don’t care, hopefully you’ll feel less anxious if you fall asleep clutching a package of it.

“Toilet paper shortage? What toilet paper shortage?!”

What’s weird to me though is that people are still using TP like animals. I’ve been using a bidet for a little over two years now and I hope and pray that I never have to go back to wiping my tush with wads of thin paper. Think about it, if you got some shit like on your arm you wouldn’t just take a couple of wipes with a paper towel or a tissue and call it good. You’d probably take a shower because of how grossed out you’d be but it’s not any different because it’s on your ass. Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s all good down there.

When you’ve used a bidet for that amount of time you dread having a situation where using TP is necessary. It happens occasionally, I can’t avoid it but when I have to do it I find, and I’m going to sound kind of wimpy here, it’s a completely repulsive experience. Cue the dry heaving. It’s completely revolting.

What was worse recently is that I was forced to use toilet paper like an animal after taking one of those really messy shits. You know what I’m talking about, we don’t have a choice or any control over how this goes sometimes. You eat something you shouldn’t have in a larger portion than you should have or whatever and your body reminds you of your bad choice and what you get out of it is a super messy dump. You know what I’m talking about, the kind where it’s more like a bomb went off back there. Ladies, I know this hasn’t happened to you because we all know you all poop in little pink squares.

So here you are, this giant brown stinky mess on your ass, there’s nothing worse than forcing yourself to tackle it with wads of thin folded paper. Those first two or three passes you’re only pushing it around and making a bigger mess. It’s disgusting. I had this experience fairly recently, it was after I had been using a bidet for a couple of years and the experience was utterly repulsive. I was so disgusted, I thought I was going to vomit. I mean, the skill it takes to not get any of it on your hand or your arm, it’s nothing short of a miracle but that shouldn’t stop you from doing a surgical-style scrub down afterward.

Seriously, how are you still using toilet paper with the rest of the peasantry? It’s disgusting. Do you also eat chicken feet? There’s no excuse at this point.

1. They’re affordable — The cheap ones cost as little as $25 bucks, delivered in two days from Amazon. You can get a decent one for as low $30. Not to mention they’re really easy to install. I did it myself in like twenty minutes and if I can do it, you can do it. They’ve become so accessible it’s not even funny.
2. They save you money — You spend more than this for TP in a year. If you get the really nice stuff you’re probably spending quite a bit more and if you have a family, forget it, you’re going to save some cash by getting one.
3. They leave you so much cleaner — Toilet paper isn’t cutting it for cleanliness, it’s a joke, we’re only fooling ourselves. Bidet’s leave you so much cleaner down there and if you take the time, you’ll be as clean as a whistle. Think of it, you’ll be cleaner than if you used TP and you don’t have to reach your hands down there. Seriously, how does this one thing not completely change the entire game?
4. Fewer toilet clogs — You know when you’ve wiped and wiped and wiped because your anus is like a poop marker, no matter how many passes you make it’s still brown? Seriously, what is going on? Before you know it, you’ve used more than half a roll and there’s a massive TP pie sitting in the bowl, looking back at you, asking you how lucky you’re feeling. If you have sketchy plumbing then you’ll probably arm yourself with the plunger before you flush but forget it, it’s a fake feeling of safety. It won’t save you fast enough. We’ve all had it happen. The pie won’t go down, your heart skips a beat and your stomach jumps into your throat as you watch the filthy brown water rise closer and closer to the top of the bowl, the only thing moving faster is your panic and dread. With a bidet, you don’t have to flush mounds of poo poo paper, just the shitty stuff that came out of your butt.
5. You’re being less wasteful — A lot less wasteful. Do you know what happens when millions of people flush mountains of wet, muddy paper down the toilet? A huge ass mess that’s what. As we all become more environmentally conscious we should embrace the fact that if everyone was using a bidet, we’d drastically cut down on the waste that we’re producing. Do your part and create less waste. If you’re one of those that needs to be told what to do by a screen, consider this your marching orders. Get a bidet! If you don’t, you’ll be a bad person! OBEY!

Yes, they take a little bit of getting used to but believe me, once you become one with the bidet you’ll honestly wish you hadn’t made the change sooner. The fact of the matter is, this miserable existence will require you to clean your shit and this is the best thing that we’ve come up with so far. If it make you uncomfortable with the idea of water shooting you right up main street just remember that you’ve already grown accustomed to something far worse.

Once you get used to it, you’ll never look back, you’ll find yourself thinking, “Damn, I really miss wiping my ass with wads of folded paper…” You won’t ever find yourself shushing a room when a Charmin commercial comes on TV. You’ll wonder what you ever saw in your butt napkins in the first place and if you’re anything like me, you’ll dread any and every situation that forced you to revert back to the ways of the peasantry by having to clean your filthy ass with something barely better than your bare hands.

Several of my friends who are truly kindred spirits have gotten on the bidet train and preach the poop gospel as much as I do. They love having a bidet on their toilets as much as I do, they’re even fancier than me. I’ve just gone with the regular bidets when they’ve installed the ones that heat the water and one of them might even play some happy music. Aaaand… There’s even a bonus for the ladies, or so I’ve heard. Apparently, your bidet is quite helpful when your Aunt Flow is making her monthly visit.

“Who is this guy?” You might be asking, “some kind of high roller in the bidet industry trying to get his big break?!” Nope. I’m just a somewhat regular guy with an above average cleanliness level on his asshole trying to make the world a better place.