How Often Do You Think About Witchcraft?

How men and women are different

Have you seen the recent TikTok trend where women approach the men in their lives, camera in hand and rolling, asking them “how often do you think about the Roman Empire?” And surprisingly, a lot of men confirm that they do, in fact, think about the Roman Empire and they do it frequently. Some said they think about it several times a day. The funniest part is probably how casual they are about it. Like, “Two or three times a day, at least, doesn’t everybody?” As though this is the most normal thing in the world for a man to think about the Roman Empire. And, as it would seem, it kind of is.

Temet Nosce

I will admit that I think about the Roman Empire. I wouldn’t say that I think about it A LOT but yes, I do think about it pretty regularly. It’s a pretty casual thing for me, I don’t take it really seriously. It’s not like I sit around and analyze all the moving parts, I don’t even know enough about it to do that. I don’t even know when the Romans ruled exactly. A long ass time ago? It’s about the warriors and stoics for me. That’s about as far as it goes.

It’s not like I’m sitting around thinking, “Okay, I need to get the tires rotated, take out the garbage and think about the Roman Empire.” It just casually floats through my mind when it’s relevant to being a man. Because news flash ladies, it kind of is. We men think about things in terms of heroics and triumph and what better example in history is there besides the Roman Empire? Men value things like heroics and achievement so of course it makes sense for us to think about it.

Almost every man wants to be a hero. You can even ask young boys if they’ve ever had fantasies about protecting their families from some kind of danger and I promise you that nearly all of them have. I even had a mom tell me once that she was concerned that her son was having “violent thoughts” when he was doing just this, wanting to feel like a hero but again, I don’t expect women to understand this. It’s hard-wired into us to want to be a hero and if you’re going go around and ask men about their Roman fantasies you should also ask him if he ever fantasized as a child about saving or rescuing his family from some kind of outside threat and I would be the farm that he’s going to say yes.

I’m a fan of stoic philosophy so that contributes a lot to my Roman Empire rumination. Otherwise, I don’t have a good explanation for it. Maybe we all share a collective consciousness where our thoughts and emotions broadcast like subconscious radio waves and we men are picking it up and we don’t know it.

Before we go and start labeling men or looking at them in a bad or strange way for this, I think we should first ask women an equally important question:

“How often do you think about witchcraft?”

Ever since this Roman Empire thing went a bit viral I started asking women this one question about witchcraft and how often they’re spending their mental focus on it and so far I’ve got a strong confirmation that most women think about witchcraft and they think about it a lot. As soon as the question leaves my mouth, their eyes get wide and the corners of their mouths start lifting into a half smile.

Rose quartz or labradorite?

I see you, ladies. I know what you’re up to. I know you’re collecting your crystals and your shiny rocks. I see them hanging around your necks. I see your essential oils, aka your magic potions and how you spray them around and such. I know you wouldn’t hesitate to drop fifty bucks for a quick tarot reading at a festival or summer bazaar. Don’t try to bullshit and gaslight us men because we think about warriors, rulers and empires when you’re secretly reminding yourself to make a book of spells. Don’t bullshit me, I know you’ve gone to see a psychic and paid good money for it. Don’t tell me that you wouldn’t brake for a tucked-away apothecary. And don’t tell me that you don’t secretly try to talk to animals. It’s okay, I’m not judging you, I think some of that stuff is cool too but you have to admit, it’s just as weird.

I know you’ve got a vision board going and your little manifestation journal hiding somewhere. Don’t bullshit me. I’m not saying all that stuff is bullshit but don’t get after us about the Roman Empire when you’re often thinking about how you can manipulate hidden magical energies. And don’t get me started on the emotional voodoo y’all are spinning up on a constant basis. Don’t tell me that all the Jedi mind tricks and head games aren’t driven by your desire to pull on the invisible strings.

Fellas… if she asks you if you think about the Roman Empire you need to turn it back onto her and ask her how often she thinks about witchcraft. If she’s honest, you might be surprised. If you live with her you might want to start looking around. Is the place filled with plants? Crystals? Essential oils? Chakra beads? Oracle cards? Does she have a vision board somewhere? Does she keep buying candles? Well, guess what? She’s a witch! Put a deck of tarot cards into her hands and you might shocked at how efficiently she shuffles and places them like a Vegas blackjack dealer while she tells you that she “dabbles.” Dabbles. Right.

Ladies, correct me if I’m wrong here…

What I’ve learned about women is that they like the hidden, the unseen, the unspoken and the nuanced. They love it when things have some mystery in them. They like to keep people guessing. It appeals to them, they’re hard-wired this way which is why she doesn’t tell you everything, fellas, and tries to get you to guess. She wants you to follow the trail of breadcrumbs, read between the lines and draw intuitive conclusions again because she loves the power of subtlety and nuance.

Fellas, don’t let her make it sound like you’re weird. Don’t let her pull this game on you where she makes it sound like you’re weird or stupid. If women knew anything about male psychology, the Roman Empire would make perfect sense to them. Women think they know men and they think they know our psychology. They don’t. Ladies, here’s a challenge for you. If you like the subtleties and nuances of life then get to work discovering the nuances of male psychology.

The Romans were warriors and innovators. They had plumbing when most other humans were still trying to understand the wheel. They were kings and they knew how to party. Yeah, I know their history is a lot uglier than this but who doesn’t have an ugly history? Honestly? I’m not making excuses for all the conquering and brutal history with their gladiator sports but we also shouldn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater and for all you youngins out there, that just means that the bathwater might be dirty and needs to be thrown out but there’s still a precious baby in there so don’t throw it out with the dirty water.

Be weird, it’s okay

At the end of the day, it’s wicked awesome that people are weird. I love weird people as long as they aren’t like the dangerous/creepy kind of weird. I like my people quirky. Our culture has become so homogenized. Too many of you take the internet to freak out on the daily because people don’t see the world the same way that you do. Laying in bed shaking, unable to sleep because somebody, somewhere, one of the billions and billions said something you don’t like. Stop it. Stop supporting a conformist-driven homogeny of sameness. Stop supporting the death of uniqueness. Stop weaving the fabric of a crushingly gray way of life. It’s great that men think about the Roman Empire and it’s great that women are into witchcraft. Lord knows this bland society and this bland culture needs a hell of a lot more of it.

Instead of saying, “I can’t believe you think about the Roman empire” or “I can’t believe you actually own a skull with runes carved into it” accept that people are weird and that’s really fucking cool. Say this instead.

“I’m so glad we’re so fucking weird”